Lame and Flying in Circles

A few weeks ago, Jeff and I were taking a walk on the Brewster Flats and came upon a seagull with a really broken wing. The gull didn't seem to be in pain but it was dramatic and painful for me to look at. I wondered how long it had been since it was injured and how it would survive, since it clearly couldn't fly or dive into the water to fish. Still, it looked healthy and was moving along the beach pretty much o.k. in spite of the broken part.

Around the same time, Jeff decided to take a job that has him living away from home during his work week. We're not used to being apart and things don't feel quite right for either of us. It's made me feel a little like a part of me is broken, too. I feel wounded and am in a bit of pain. I feel like I can't quite fly straight and have to figure out different ways to make my way through.

I've been telling myself that it's good to be more independent - that I should learn how to drive the lawnmower and it's ridiculous that I can't manage myself when there's a mouse in the house. I should not just walk aimlessly around the house with no sense of direction or purpose. So I'm trying to learn all that ~ to take care of things and act normal. It's not easy.

Here's the upside: all this unsettledness has shown me how completely confident I am in our life. That no matter where we live, together or apart, Jeff and I are in this together. It's good that it feels bad. After a week apart, I was as excited as a 16 year old getting off the ferry where he was waiting to pick me up. My heart sank a little when I left him on the dock and said goodbye the next morning. The hello kisses are wonderful and the goodbye hugs heartbreaking. It's magnificent. A blessing most people don't get.

I am hopeful for the seagull. That it will survive and have a mostly normal life. That it's unbroken parts will be stronger and it will have talent and confidence that the other, intact seagulls don't have.

I am hopeful for me, too.

Though not planning lawn mower lessons anytime soon. I can only be so independent.

It's All In The Framing

So - yes, much too busy to talk to you people in the last weeks/months (how long has it been?)

Just actually got a homework assignment done before class, which doesn't always happen, and it made me think of this blog.

The assignment had to do with reading the entire, yes entire National Broadband Plan and do an analysis of the framing - like how does it explain why this stuff is important. Through my lens it was all about equality and inclusion and civic engagement. To my very geeky friend, it was about spectrum and platforms and applications.

I also heard an interview today with Captain Richard Phillips, who was the captain of the boat that was hijacked last year by the Somali pirates and who bravely gave himself over to the pirates to protect his crew. At the end of the interview he made a point of saying that he believes that all people are much more capable than they believe themselves to be and it's just a few who get put into extraordinary situations to prove it. He said people should believe more in themselves and trust that they can overcome personal or professional challenges.

Also got to school and found a copy of my graduation eligibility form that was signed off by the director of my program making it truly certified that I will be graduating next month. I hadn't quite recognized that for real.

The framing point is about how I'm choosing to label all the ups and downs of my life these days. Busy means accomplishing, stress means opportunity, overwhelmed means striving.

So today is proving to be an inspiring day.

State of the Union

O.k.- since we last spoke:

I remain unemployed.
Jeff is unemployed - no - employed - no, part-time - no, definitely unemployed - no, safe after all.
Raytheon sucks - see above.
Massachusetts filled Ted Kennedy's seat with a republican.
Massachusetts Democratic party sucks - see above.
I picked a topic for the most important project I will ever do in my graduate school life.
I changed my topic.
I had a great meeting with a professor to focus the topic.
I had a meeting just after that meeting with a professor I respect who beat up my topic.
Beloved former boss called with a job offer.
Job offer likely to be rescinded on a technicality.
Howard Zinn died.
I want to change my topic in honor of Howard Zinn.

The President thinks I should remain hopeful...

Lifeboats

So this is the last week of classes, before final exam week. This means that all of my beloved classmates have the deer-in-the-headlight look, aren't sleeping enough and are displaying signs of mood disorders.

It's really wonderful.

We're all just barely above the water - we all have final projects, which means final standing up in front of the class and discussing our brilliant thoughts about important things. The problem is that the people in the class are really smart - and will ask questions and have opinions that they will share. Outloud.

But this feeling of solidarity - we're all in this together spirit - is just so wonderful. I've had a number of misty-eyed moments this week, as people are checking in, cheerleading, offering salty-sweet-fatty snacks and diet coke's. There've been hugs, motivating comments on facebook walls, late night chats and e-mail check-ins. We're meeting on campus, working quietly in rooms together - just to share the experience with the only others who get it.

I didn't have the opportunity to go away to college just after high school -I'm a forty-something grad student having the college experience for the first time and, painful as it is, loving every moment. I'm doing my best to savor all of it - good and bad - and knowing that it will end far too soon. I'm tired, elated, near tears, sore, intimidated, confident, scared and feeling very, very blessed.

And I know a lot of stuff. Ask me anything.

The Power of Nothing

So we took Saturday night off. Of everything. We didn't cook food or do laundry or homework. We had an early dinner at a restaurant and came home plunked ourselves on the couch for the night. Jeff got me 2 seasons of the West Wing that I didn't already have for my birthday and we watched a half dozen episodes, with popcorn and everything.

I know - doesn't sound blogworthy - but for us it seems we never take that kind of time and I'm here to tell you, it's totally worth it. Totally. Today I'm refreshed, relaxed and feel like I had a really nice date last night (which I did). I tackled a school project with a clear head and focused direction.

So since I'm a student of public policy, I'm trying to quantify the benefits of last night so we can incorporate these opportunities into the federal or state budgets. Pass a law requiring downtime. Mandatory minimums on fun. Once-monthly pajama days. National Election-and-Nap holidays, so you go to vote only after you're well-rested and capable of reasoned reflection (super Tuesday would be so much more mellow).

I think I just identified my master's thesis topic.

Public Display of Affection

I love Valentine's Day.

I know - it's a big marketing thing that sets ridiculous expectations for high school boys and inattentive husbands, effectively setting most up for failure.

Still - I love having an excuse to reflect upon how much I adore my husband.

I had an assignment in class on Wednesday (it's an organizational behavior kinda thing) and I had to provide an analysis of my family as an organization. I was asked to consider what the long-term goals of the organization are, who makes the rules, how do we know what the rules are, what happens when the rules are broken - stuff like that. In considering my family organization to be me & Jeff, I was able to determine the structure of the organization is nearly perfect ~ we share the same long-term goals, decisions are made cooperatively with the good of the organization in mind. It's a partnership that emphasizes strengths, minimizes weaknesses and realizes a common-good. Plus there's kissing and stuff.

So - I'm happy on this Valentine's Day to tell my husband how much I love him and look forward to the rest of our journey together. To thank him for his love and support and to tell him how glad I am that we've held hands and jumped over the bumps in the road together. To say, Honey, I love you so much.

Wicked Nice

So I'm back in school and already overwhelmed with work and schoolwork (like I don't have enough excuses for not blogging) but had a really nice experience tonight. I ventured out of my regular program to take a class that's part of the school of education at UMass. What's a little amusing is that I didn't realize this course, that is approved by my program for Masters' level credit is part of the Doctoral program in education (yep, I'm a snotty CPPA student) so when I discovered that I expected to be completely out of my league and surrounded by brainiacs. In reality, I was just welcomed into the fold of a very tight group of people that are really smart, funny and wicked nice. They're all part of the same program and have taken lots of classes together so I was acknowleged as the outsider but treated like a new friend.

Also awesome was that I was assigned a group exercise with three other people (in a class of fifteen) and they were from three different countries - I'm feeling so diverse!

The best part - these are totally committed educators who are studying education policy (and all vowing to undue the damage of NCLB) - I just love that kids will benefit from these wonderful people. Truly inspiring.

I still have too much homework.

New Year!

The menu at the restaurant last night was appropriately titled "Good riddance to 2008" and while there are so, so many reasons to run screaming away from this past year, we had lots of wonderful experiences and things to be grateful for. I always look forward to the end of the year reflection and hopes and promises of the year to come - here's what came to mind for me in the last few days.

• I'm happy to be a student again and like that I've challenged myself to do something really hard;
• I've learned that there are things that are harder for me than for other people (see above) but I'm o.k. with those things because I know there are other things I have to offer;
• We're becoming familiar with our second home and community - we've been so welcomed this year in a new place and have been blessed to get to know so many wonderful people;
• Steve Wood isn't scary at all;
• I would like to spend more time on creative things and I'm going to try to do that this year (I like taking pictures and my short game is suffering from my shift in focus to grad school);
• Microeconomics taught me that we need to eat more vegetables so one of my new creative things is going to be learning to cook more vegetables;
• I'm glad I learned something from microeconomics because I can't draw a cost curve for sh*t;
• It's good to have other people to rely on sometimes;
• It's o.k. too to have people who sometimes disappoint me so I can teach myself to focus more on the good;
• I love being married to my husband;
• I should stop being afraid to sing out loud;
• Psyched to have a new president with so much promise;
• A little gray hair is perfectly fine at my age;
• Ice storms have something to teach (besides we should buy a generator);
  
• 2009 will be be best year ever, dontcha think?