Saturday, October 1, 2011

Lame and Flying in Circles

A few weeks ago, Jeff and I were taking a walk on the Brewster Flats and came upon a seagull with a really broken wing. The gull didn't seem to be in pain but it was dramatic and painful for me to look at. I wondered how long it had been since it was injured and how it would survive, since it clearly couldn't fly or dive into the water to fish. Still, it looked healthy and was moving along the beach pretty much o.k. in spite of the broken part.

Around the same time, Jeff decided to take a job that has him living away from home during his work week. We're not used to being apart and things don't feel quite right for either of us. It's made me feel a little like a part of me is broken, too. I feel wounded and am in a bit of pain. I feel like I can't quite fly straight and have to figure out different ways to make my way through.

I've been telling myself that it's good to be more independent - that I should learn how to drive the lawnmower and it's ridiculous that I can't manage myself when there's a mouse in the house. I should not just walk aimlessly around the house with no sense of direction or purpose. So I'm trying to learn all that ~ to take care of things and act normal. It's not easy.

Here's the upside: all this unsettledness has shown me how completely confident I am in our life. That no matter where we live, together or apart, Jeff and I are in this together. It's good that it feels bad. After a week apart, I was as excited as a 16 year old getting off the ferry where he was waiting to pick me up. My heart sank a little when I left him on the dock and said goodbye the next morning. The hello kisses are wonderful and the goodbye hugs heartbreaking. It's magnificent. A blessing most people don't get.

I am hopeful for the seagull. That it will survive and have a mostly normal life. That it's unbroken parts will be stronger and it will have talent and confidence that the other, intact seagulls don't have.

I am hopeful for me, too.

Though not planning lawn mower lessons anytime soon. I can only be so independent.

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