Lame and Flying in Circles

A few weeks ago, Jeff and I were taking a walk on the Brewster Flats and came upon a seagull with a really broken wing. The gull didn't seem to be in pain but it was dramatic and painful for me to look at. I wondered how long it had been since it was injured and how it would survive, since it clearly couldn't fly or dive into the water to fish. Still, it looked healthy and was moving along the beach pretty much o.k. in spite of the broken part.

Around the same time, Jeff decided to take a job that has him living away from home during his work week. We're not used to being apart and things don't feel quite right for either of us. It's made me feel a little like a part of me is broken, too. I feel wounded and am in a bit of pain. I feel like I can't quite fly straight and have to figure out different ways to make my way through.

I've been telling myself that it's good to be more independent - that I should learn how to drive the lawnmower and it's ridiculous that I can't manage myself when there's a mouse in the house. I should not just walk aimlessly around the house with no sense of direction or purpose. So I'm trying to learn all that ~ to take care of things and act normal. It's not easy.

Here's the upside: all this unsettledness has shown me how completely confident I am in our life. That no matter where we live, together or apart, Jeff and I are in this together. It's good that it feels bad. After a week apart, I was as excited as a 16 year old getting off the ferry where he was waiting to pick me up. My heart sank a little when I left him on the dock and said goodbye the next morning. The hello kisses are wonderful and the goodbye hugs heartbreaking. It's magnificent. A blessing most people don't get.

I am hopeful for the seagull. That it will survive and have a mostly normal life. That it's unbroken parts will be stronger and it will have talent and confidence that the other, intact seagulls don't have.

I am hopeful for me, too.

Though not planning lawn mower lessons anytime soon. I can only be so independent.

Good Manners

So I spent the day on campus - the University of Massachusetts at Amherst to be exact. It's rare that I have an entire day to hang out and work on stuff - usually I just run to campus to go to a class or go to the library. I really like that I can see classmates who are here during the day and get more acquainted with the workings of the program I'm in - being a part-time student means you miss a lot.

Here's what I'm o.k. about missing - undergraduates napping the hallways, messy (really messy) bathrooms, sloppy tabletops in the dining halls and male undergraduates who spit all the time. Seriously - where do the manners go?

On the way home from the Cape last weekend, I heard an interview with a woman who just wrote a biography about Emily Post. I know that the perception is that she was all about which fork to use, but I was so impressed to hear that she was really all about manners being more about how you make others feel. A smile to welcome someone, holding the door open, sitting up straight. It's not at all pretentious - it's gracious.

Rumor has it that we're in a recession - that means that jobs will become scarce and new college grads will have some stiff competition for good jobs. Maybe someone who learned something from Ms. Post might have an edge over the slob who doesn't flush...

Anyway - here in the lovely, gracious Berkshires, fall has arrived and I'm inspired by the golden yellow leaves all over the yard and the nip in the air. Even made Butternut Squash and Apple Soup this weekend. It was the least I could do for my wonderful husband who raked acres of the aforementioned leaves... Forecast calls for snow showers tomorrow night!

Our life here is nearly perfect and very gracious ~ And I'm sitting up straight as I type.

Being Grownup and Girl Scout Cookies

So, I started a blog then stopped thinking interesting things.

Not really - just got distracted a bit. See, my life is full of a lot of stuff, normally, then when you throw in more stuff, I get entirely out of whack. That's what's happening now.

In the normal life, I work 5 days a week at my job, which I love, then I throw in a commitment I made (for reasons I don't remember today) to pursue a graduate degree. Mostly manageable, as long as I reconcile myself to not ironing exactly everything I wear and having no downtime, except while I'm driving the seven thousand miles a week I drive between work, home and school.

Here's the wrinkle. My husband and I (again, for reasons I can't quite grasp right now) have decided to purchase a second home, a vacation property, an investment, a - what's another term for we're middle aged, bourgeois, privileged - whatever - people -we're -not. It's on Cape Cod, it's in a "resort community" with a gate and all.

So, we have found ourselves in this position - and I'm still fretting about getting my homework done, wondering if I have any clean underwear for work tomorrow and sitting on the couch really enjoying holding the Thin Mints in my mouth long enough for them to get a little soggy, which is when they're most delicious. I also this week negotiated the sale terms of the condo, have two banks competing to offer us the lowest interest rate, hired a lawyer, defended my company at an unemployment hearing, taught a workshop and dazzled my boss by recognizing when he used a mu-bar symbol when discussing customer survey results at a meeting of high-level managers.

I think I'm feeling a bit tugged between the reality of being a grown up and resisting the responsibility.

Having another cookie now. The rest will have to wait until tomorrow.