Permission

Susan just wrote a post on her blog that is kinda un-Susan-like, but also very Susan-like in that it was honest and a little raw and tender. It gave me permission to let myself be... whatever I am right now.

Things are a bit itchy these days. It's nice to be not working and making a giant leap towards my Master's degree, but scary because I'm not working and not ready for this giant leap. If I commit to trying to graduate in May, I've got a ton of work to do - research and stuff - that I wasn't ready for just yet. And I don't like not working. Not just because I'm not making money (although I like money) but I have for so long wrapped up my identity in what I do for a living, that I'm a bit lost.

This has all made things a bit strained in the household...

When other people express their opinion of my situation, I'm uncomfortable, whatever the opinion is. School friends have been incredibly supportive and tell me how wonderful this all is - a gift I've been given to just be able to be a student for a while. Others tell me how sorry they are that this horrible thing has happened and ask if I'm o.k. Either way, I don't want to hear it. Should I be grieving or celebrating? I just can't make the suit fit.

I find myself just reaching for the wisdom that comes from living the life I've lived (actually we've lived, Jeff and I) - that things we didn't plan for happen, sometimes the result of mistakes or just circumstance - but every time we've had to work through something hard, we've come out better on the other side. I'm learning to trust that now.

It all really works out the way it's supposed to. I'm choosing to make peace with it. At least for now.